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Me and hamish seem to have the same conversation every few months.

Itapos;s about me being on medication. About how I shouldnapos;t be on medication.

Itapos;s always about the depo or the seroquel. Today was the depo.

I feel real bad though. I donapos;t disagree with him- itapos;s not like i want to be on medication. I donapos;t want to be on a slow release injectable birth control method. But I have my reasons for doing it.

I kind of do want to stop my meds, i have plans for the seroquel, but Iapos;ve always assumed iapos;d be on the depo until I was old enough to get my tubes tied. And I know exactly why I canapos;t say yes to hamish when he asked me to go off it.

So I guess I kind of do have abortion issues after all. Or pregnancy issues at least. Itapos;s like, I still donapos;t regret having one, and I still donapos;t regret being like i was when i had it. But the thought of having to do that again, even to a "parasitic alien womb monster" terrifies me. The thought of being pregnant without my conscious decision to get that way scares me so so much. Ever since being pregnant, iapos;ve had an intense phobia of getting pregnant again. And as much as i know what im doing to my body by putting hormonal birth control into it, i also know how much it would hurt me to have to repeat past experiences.

I donapos;t know what the fuck iapos;m going to do here. Some part of me thinks I should say fuck no, iapos;m staying on the drugs. Some other parts are telling me to talk to my therapist and my doctor and try and resolve some issues rather than simply avoiding them repeating. Some part of me thinks i should comprimise- get off the seroquel and keep on with the depo until i can find better options. Iapos;m limited in my birth control options, I donapos;t really want an IUD and seeing as how my last pregnancy was a condom accident, iapos;m terrified of condoms as well. Not to mention having my periods come back, which would be really hard to get used to. And my cycles only just settled again... Do i really want to disturb it that much?

Grrragh. A weekend of thinking ahead. My appointment for my next shot is on monday- 2 days to think.

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